Journey to the Golden Fleece- Module 2 - Road of Trials

Once upon a time there was a wonderful woman.  She was creative, open minded, free thinking, all loving, a little overly proud and selfish, and far to positive for most people to handle ("How do you see the bright side in EVERY single dark matter??" They'd say) She loved to spend as much free time as humanly possible creating and making anything.  Her favourite thing to make, was yarn.  However, she was also a mother.  And as the life of a Mother goes, most of the selfishness and pride, and creation went by the wayside. There was laundry to wash dry and fold AND put away.  There were dishes (Oh so many dishes!!) to do. There were meals to cook (more then 3 a day, which always lead to more dishes!) And then the love and tenderness and firmness and caring and book reading and playing with and all that stuff that goes along with raising children as well, got in the way.  It's funny, how she would simultaneously feel pride at her children's achievement as she watched them accomplish something from the stands, and feel a twinge of resentment, that she could possibly be creating something, possibly be grabbing her own bit of pride as well.  She could want to hug and love the child that was having a total melt down because they dropped their pizza on the floor which the dog promptly grabbed,  while at the same time want to whisk them off to their room so they could not disturb anyone else with their fit.  The conflicting emotions of Motherhood often left he overwhelmed. And when it was all just a bit to much, she'd step away and close herself in her craft room, and create something. Anything. But mostly yarn.

My Road of Trials yarn hinges on one thing that has got to be my biggest trial of all: Motherhood. It's the journey I started with, and the journey I will follow, likely through out the remainder of the modules. (Module three is the vision quest, a journey into the deeper you, and having examined what drove me to this course, and what I've discovered through the journaling about me already, Motherhood is a huge part of me, but definitly not the only part of me.)  A quick break down of the components and how they relate to this road of trials is as such:  There is a big fat purple single (of varying grist/diameter) that was auto wrapped with a teal, navy and white crochet cotton, each of varying diameter, which was then quick coiled and Shelob'd (which is a technique Wool Wench shared with us!) The purple represents the pride, how it swells and how it is always there.  The threads it is auto wrapped in represents the chaos and struggle that is often playing along side. And it's coiled up(mostly just because coiling looks super pretty ;) ) and then wrapped in the silk hanky which was purple and grey, to represent how it's all wrapped up in love.

Creatively this was a real struggle. I couldn't for the life of me 1) keep the purple single even and 2) understand that it was OK that the single wasn't even.  Spinning has become very technical for me since starting the Master Spinners course.  Instead of being bound to the rigidity of counting treadles and keeping make lengths consistent, just allowing for texture and the auto wraps to actually auto wrap (without adjusting and allowing them to do what they wanted...) was really difficult.   I am happy with this yarn, though. It's light and fluffy, and textured.

Onward to Module 3, The vision quest!

~Kara

Journey To the Golden fleece, module 1

The story.

Once upon a time, lived a beautiful woman, who was quite content, happy even, with her situation in life. She was happily married, and had two wonderful and cute sons. The discussion of more children came up now and again, and they’d settled it, that they would at least wait, but were very uncertain that more would happen anyway. So this woman went and made an appointment to be sure that she did not conceive again until she was ready, if she would ever be ready. But the in the days before the appointment she found out they had in fact conceived despite their best efforts to not to. now, the reaction was quite the opposite most would expect. Shock, disappointment, frustration, anger, regret, resentment. Many tears were shed. She, they, were not ready for this. Everything had finally settled into routine! Her adjustment period to a new child was always much longer then what it seems most peoples was. She was not ready for the upheaval an infant brings, and she knew just what it would be like. So, despite always wanting a girl but not getting one, she did not find out what this little bundle was. She couldn’t bare the thought of it being a boy, though that would be okay, she’s got more then enough of the things boys need. She didn’t want to know who was in there, to have them tell her one thing, and it turn out the other. She left her answer to that questions “kittens”. So 8.75 months of being kept in the dark, turning over thoughts of the struggles alone, never thinking of the joys. Lying on the operating table, as baby was born via c-section due to the other two deliveries not going well, She was told “oh, what a beautiful face he has!” “A boy?” she said, just a bit disappointed, but not surprised, she rarely get’s what she wants. “Oh!!” say’s the anethesiologist ” I haven’t seen yet! our talk of boys had me focused on boys….. It’s a girl!!” “A girl? really?” At this point, the emotions should have went through the roof, elation, joy, excitement. However, while she thought those, intellectually, she did not feel them through. She was just happy the pregnancy was over, but still no where near ready for the challenges an infant brings. And there they were, forever entangled.

So, how all this related to the yarn.

The yarn starts off with a blue navajo plied section, that is candy cane plied with a purple crochet cotton. The blue represents the 3 boys in my life, the purple myself. These yarns are carried through the entire skien. Then, you can’t see it, but there’s a pink thread added as a core, and it’s covered in black/silver mohair. This mohair was a real PTA to spin like that, because when I washed it, I washed it with wool, and some of the lanolin must have stuck to the mohair. And didn’t come out. Mean while the purple and blue wrapped around, hid under and kind of did as it pleased. Then once I got short on the pink thread, I grabbed a chunk of hot pink merino and made a big slub. Towards the end, just the 3 threads are plied together, but you can’t see that in this picture.

And finally, how this all relates to my creative journey.

Have you ever just wanted to escape? Run away from the things that cause you stress? I do. All the time. So, this moment in my life pushed me to take the Olds Master Spinner course, sooner then I’d meant to. So much yarn, and soo much alone time in one big chunk. An escape. That course and all it’s requirements to end with a certificate are what lead me here. I needed an escape from the precise, accurate spinning, and this gives me a damn good excuse!! And often in the in-between time, when i just need some quiet, I head to my fluff room, and spin or card or whatever.

Final note: Know that this story does have a happy ending. The woman, while still struggling to balance it all, 4 years in, still not finding any balance what so ever, still mal adjusted to the life she has, she is content, even happy with the chaos. Embrace it, because within the chaos there is light.

~Kara

P.S. I kind of just copied and pasted my own words from the Golden Fleece Forums.  Because it was easier, and it was commented on that when I write in third person, it's a pretty good story.  So I'll stick with that. :)

P.P.S.  I nearly forgot!!  The second enrolment is open to the Journey to the Golden Fleece!!  Go to fiberygoodness.com for more details!!

Set Sail

Fair warning. What you are about to read is far more then I've ever shared on my blog, and far more then I've ever shared with many people at all.  But I share because I know I can't be alone. I share because I need to work through it, and know that others may see see it, and then to, realize it's okay to have these emotions, and that it is possible to come out on the other side brighter, happier and while still there can be moments of fog, the sun does break through.



On November 15th we got our very first module in the Journey of the Golden Fleece Fiber Creativity course.  And I printed and read it. And I read it again.  Choose a starting point.  One that was a pivotal moment in your time line that affected your creativity.  I have many pivotal moments in my life.  One's I hardly remember through my own memories, but definitely had a definitive effect on me, like my sisters cancer when she was 5 and me just 2. Ones I remember all to well sometimes, Like the one time I finally broke it off with the worlds biggest looser, and no, not in the weight department. He was mean, and not a very nice person.  That year at fashion design school, that was full of really screwed up events.  The moment I walked into that bar and met Mr. Right, but did not even know it for at least 3 months. Or that time I was unexpectedly pregnant at 19 (with my now husbands baby) that I miscarried.  Or when I found out I was pregnant and it stuck, which produced Mr. Duck.  Or when I got Married.  Or moving to our current community. Or discovering the joy of spinning, by accident while searching for homemade cloth diaper patterns for Zoo.
 Or that moment, when I discovered I was pregnant with Miss Jo.  Nothing has ever stopped me in my tracks so abruptly and fully and forcibly.   It was unexpected.  I was tracking my cycles.  We were abstaining when we should have.  We had decided two was enough, and that I would begin the steps to make an addition to the family impossible.  It was the day of my appointment that I realized that I was pregnant.  I took the standard pre procedure test, and it confirmed it.  "yes. You are pregnant. What are we going to do from here?"  Well, while I'm prochoice for others, I'm so strongly pro life for me.  That was a completely unthinkable thing.  It wasn't going to happen.  So began the internal battle that felt all to familiar.  It was like I was 19 again, reliving the obviously conflicting feelings.  One moment would be joy and elation and wonderment and that feeling you get when you look into the future ands see all your hopes and dreams.  Then the next moment, regret, and denial, and utter fear, though this time not for the fear of the unknown, but the fear of the known. Knowing just how hard it is to have a baby, the pregnancy, sure, that's easy enough (for me anyway) but the after fact.  The knowledge of the challenges that lie ahead, all struck fear in me.  And I began to feel resentful. I felt like I was robbed of things. Robbed of the fun things you can't do while pregnant, like take your 5 year old skiing for the first time, teach figure skating, or of future events I'd planned that involved only the 4 of us, and that would be nearly impossible if not completely impossible with 5.  And of course, when  you feel resentment, there comes the guilt following shortly behind.  Guilt because you should be so thankful for such a wonderful gift. Guilt, because you should love being pregnant. Guilt, because you get what others can't have.
 So that's my starting point, and I'm sure you are wondering just exactly how that ties into the whole Creativity part of the journey.  Well, that comes down the line a bit, after having birthed my baby girl via c-section.  And struggled through trying to breastfeed a baby that refused to.  And all that comes with having a baby.  I'll get into all that in further posts.  But this moment is the one that set so many things in motion, like my endless need to escape the stressors of my life, which sent me to Olds College for Fibre Week and the Master Spinners course, opening a whole new world of yarn and possibilities.  It deepened my passion for this art, in an odd way, as it drove me to escape into my yarns.  To have a 'very valid excuse' to be taking time for me and my need to make.  This is where I begin.  I will heal the hurts I still bear from this part of my life through creating yarn.

Step one is to finally journal, and I'll tell you now, there will be a lot more in that then I'll share with you, but I will keep posting, getting to where I am today on this journey. 

At some point I will find my mentors in this. They must be there. I just couldn't say who they are/were off the top of my head, but I suppose that will also come with the journaling.  This is my start of that process.  Water colours, sharpie markers, and crayons.  And tea. everything's better with tea ;)

 Now if you've you've made it this far, thanks for reading it.   And I leave you with my current mantra: "Embrace the Chaos"

~Kara

Journeys

I've come to the realization that life is not simply a journey, but a series of journeys intended to shape you in to your best you.  They can be journeys that challenge you, affirm you,  change your direction, propel you forward or knock you square on your butt. These journeys can be presented to you as choices, and you can seek them out, or they can throw themselves at you, or you can have made the choice before you even noticed you had a choice.

The Master Spinners course is one of these journeys that I went out and found. It was a journey I chose to take as a means to an end.  At the time of the decision, the end goal was a vacation. And at the time a vacation was something I felt guilty and selfish about wanting, but the thought of it as being education justified it, freeing me from my guilt.  The end goal now, being nearly half way through my journey is so much more then a justifiable vacation.  The end goal is a career as an author, a teacher, a skilled business person.  Some of these things will come naturally, some will require practice and training, but I'm up for this journey.  It will be long and present it's challenges, but I'm looking forward to everything this brings my way.

A new part of the fibre journey I'm on that was presented to me recently is the Journey to the Golden Fleece.  The original thought I had a week ago when I decided to take this journey, was that is was an escape from the rigours of homework, and technical spinning.  (see a trend here? so do I....) But after signing up and receiving the initial task I see that this will be more then a vacation for my mind.  This is creative journey, and one I'm taking as a journey of self discovery as well.  I know there is so much magic that can come from my fingers. I know the need to just make and the need for freedom screams to me some days, and I don't always get the opportunity to do that. With this course I will have to make the time to just create, and the guidance through out will help direct me.

As a part of this journey I've decided to do the "unapologetically me" thing.  I will be posting the randomness that comes into my head here, and on Facebook, and Twitter and Pinterest.   No doubt I will still be posting as much as I normally do (which is sporadically and infrequently but that's just how it will be for now) But don't be surprised when I start pinning really weird stuff!

If you happen to be a spinner, and wish to join The Journey to the Golden Fleece you still have time! They are accepting sign ups until the 15th of November.

Off to spin (some very basic and plain yarn ;) )

~Kara