Fair warning. What you are about to read is far more then I've ever shared on my blog, and far more then I've ever shared with many people at all. But I share because I know I can't be alone. I share because I need to work through it, and know that others may see see it, and then to, realize it's okay to have these emotions, and that it is possible to come out on the other side brighter, happier and while still there can be moments of fog, the sun does break through.
On November 15th we got our very first module in the Journey of the Golden Fleece Fiber Creativity course. And I printed and read it. And I read it again. Choose a starting point. One that was a pivotal moment in your time line that affected your creativity. I have many pivotal moments in my life. One's I hardly remember through my own memories, but definitely had a definitive effect on me, like my sisters cancer when she was 5 and me just 2. Ones I remember all to well sometimes, Like the one time I finally broke it off with the worlds biggest looser, and no, not in the weight department. He was mean, and not a very nice person. That year at fashion design school, that was full of really screwed up events. The moment I walked into that bar and met Mr. Right, but did not even know it for at least 3 months. Or that time I was unexpectedly pregnant at 19 (with my now husbands baby) that I miscarried. Or when I found out I was pregnant and it stuck, which produced Mr. Duck. Or when I got Married. Or moving to our current community. Or discovering the joy of spinning, by accident while searching for homemade cloth diaper patterns for Zoo.
Or that moment, when I discovered I was pregnant with Miss Jo. Nothing has ever stopped me in my tracks so abruptly and fully and forcibly. It was unexpected. I was tracking my cycles. We were abstaining when we should have. We had decided two was enough, and that I would begin the steps to make an addition to the family impossible. It was the day of my appointment that I realized that I was pregnant. I took the standard pre procedure test, and it confirmed it. "yes. You are pregnant. What are we going to do from here?" Well, while I'm prochoice for others, I'm so strongly pro life for me. That was a completely unthinkable thing. It wasn't going to happen. So began the internal battle that felt all to familiar. It was like I was 19 again, reliving the obviously conflicting feelings. One moment would be joy and elation and wonderment and that feeling you get when you look into the future ands see all your hopes and dreams. Then the next moment, regret, and denial, and utter fear, though this time not for the fear of the unknown, but the fear of the known. Knowing just how hard it is to have a baby, the pregnancy, sure, that's easy enough (for me anyway) but the after fact. The knowledge of the challenges that lie ahead, all struck fear in me. And I began to feel resentful. I felt like I was robbed of things. Robbed of the fun things you can't do while pregnant, like take your 5 year old skiing for the first time, teach figure skating, or of future events I'd planned that involved only the 4 of us, and that would be nearly impossible if not completely impossible with 5. And of course, when you feel resentment, there comes the guilt following shortly behind. Guilt because you should be so thankful for such a wonderful gift. Guilt, because you should love being pregnant. Guilt, because you get what others can't have.
So that's my starting point, and I'm sure you are wondering just exactly how that ties into the whole Creativity part of the journey. Well, that comes down the line a bit, after having birthed my baby girl via c-section. And struggled through trying to breastfeed a baby that refused to. And all that comes with having a baby. I'll get into all that in further posts. But this moment is the one that set so many things in motion, like my endless need to escape the stressors of my life, which sent me to Olds College for Fibre Week and the Master Spinners course, opening a whole new world of yarn and possibilities. It deepened my passion for this art, in an odd way, as it drove me to escape into my yarns. To have a 'very valid excuse' to be taking time for me and my need to make. This is where I begin. I will heal the hurts I still bear from this part of my life through creating yarn.
Step one is to finally journal, and I'll tell you now, there will be a lot more in that then I'll share with you, but I will keep posting, getting to where I am today on this journey.
At some point I will find my mentors in this. They must be there. I just couldn't say who they are/were off the top of my head, but I suppose that will also come with the journaling. This is my start of that process. Water colours, sharpie markers, and crayons. And tea. everything's better with tea ;)
Now if you've you've made it this far, thanks for reading it. And I leave you with my current mantra: "Embrace the Chaos"
~Kara
